“I didn’t think his head would bounce like that.” 

Candi, which was short for Candice, but god forbid you call her that or she’ll stab your hand with a fork, sat on a wooden table in the corner of the musty room. She kicked her long legs back and forth as she gnawed on a chicken leg like a classless child. Candi was many things and none of them included anything attached to class. 

I wiped the long blade clean, making sure no blood was stuck behind. The odd shape of the guillotine made it easy for pieces to get stuck behind and anything wet and sticky would rust my sparkling friend.

I picked up the man’s head off the floor, by the hair, and carried it to the bin sitting underneath the barred window. I’d fill it with more before taking it out to the pigs. The monsters have been awfully squeaky lately and they gave me a splitting headache with all the extra noise. 

“I think it’s because he’s got so much extra fat surrounding it,” I supplied, head cocked at the odd scene Candi referred to. The man’s head did bounce unusually high, higher than the trend. The thing nearly reached my hip once it detached fully from his neck, blood spraying and then squishy head flying. 

Candi shrugged and hopped down from her perch to grab the next man. Her strong body and lack of empathy was an excellent fit for the help I needed for getting the men from their cells to the dias. While I was skilled with slicing, I was not skilled with restraining. I liked my projects immobile. 

I kicked the shoulder of the headless body, causing it to crumble down the raised platform and make room for the next one.  

The next man came into the room bucking. Very unoriginal. His sweat poured down his head and into his eyes while his chest was heaving with his quick breath. The poor thing was going to hyperventilate. 

“Don’t touch me you fucking freak! You aren’t putting your sick hands on me! I don’t deserve this,” he spit his nasty words at me, hoping to land a mark. 

I shot him a condescending smile, “Now, would you be down here in a rotting cell if that were true?”

“You’re evil, you probably needed more bodies chopped up to satisfy your demonic needs so they picked me! Everyone knows about the psycho in The Cellar. I only stole the damn thing to pay for food for me and my family and I don’t deserve to have my head cut for it.” 

He really wasn’t winning anyone over with all the accusations.

“You stole a gold and ruby encrusted chalice to pay for meals? Who exactly was going to buy this gaudy item and then give you food in return? Where were you going to go for this odd exchange of property? What was the plan here, because it needs work if it doesn’t include getting caught.” I flung my words back at his pathetic story.

Candi shot in unhelpfully,”I feel like his head isn’t going to bounce as high as the last one, he seems scrawny.” 

The man’s head shot back on his spine, the reaction from either the head bouncing reference or the insult to his mediocre stature. If I were a betting woman I’d guess the latter.

Candi finished her walk to the platform before me and shoved him down easily, closing the latch over his head and trapping him underneath the guillotine’s blade. It was very anticlimactic. 

“My guess is that it’ll be quick and clean, therefore ungodly boring like this conversation has already been.” We loved when the heads bounced, and did not love when they just fell flat.

“Do you think Cook is making beef or chicken stew tonight?” Candi returned to her spot and continued munching on her chicken bone through the question. She was still eating the thing? Where had she put it? Her pocket? Odd girl. 

“I would guess beef, I think the old white cow from the pasture down the main road was put down this morning.”

“No! Not Whitey!”

“Whitey?” I asked, “That’s an incredibly unoriginal name Candi.”

“Whitey gave the cutest little licks on your face, she loved me. This is awful, I’m feeling overwhelmed. And distraught.” She flung herself backwards, hitting the wooden table with a dramatic thunk and said, “I’m taking the rest of the day off for mourning purposes.” 

“You don’t leave, even when I ask you to, and I’m sure the tasty stew will make up for it.” Candi wailed in response as I walked closer to the bound man, preparing to drop the blade overhead. I was starting to feel a bit hungry and didn’t feel like drawing this out any further.

“Don’t come any closer you bitch. I swear you’ll regret it.” The man hadn’t given up on his threats quite yet, unwilling to admit his defeat. I could admire that, sort of, but the slurs were really not appreciated. 

“You’re strapped to a table, what exactly are you expecting to do here?” He hesitated, unsure himself.

“I’ll… My brother! Once he hears what happened to me he’ll come after you! He’ll avenge me!” 

Candi stopped her wailing and popped up. “Brother? Single? Cute?” 

“You are relentless! Don’t start this again. I don’t need a man to bore me to death while I lay on my back, contemplating if the extra body was even worth it!” 

Candi ignored me and looked at the man. “Does he look like you or is he built better? My girl here deserves well bred stock, nothing subpar.” 

“How about you switch it up and fuck a man for once?” She needed her own hobbies that didn’t include me taking my pants off. 

“A man,” Candi screeched at an unbelievable pitch with her jaw hanging wide, “is the last thing I would fuck! First being a woman, the second myself. I’d never stoop so low while you on the other hand would, and need to based on the cobwebs I can see forming from here.” 

Hands on my hips, I shot back at her,” When’s the last time you got laid, huh?” 

“This morning.”

I paused, caught off guard. “This morning? But you slept over last night and I’m sure I would remember seeing someone else in my tiny house.”

“You’re a heavy sleeper. Anyways!” Candi’s attempt at redirecting the conversation to hide her sneaky encounter, was done poorly.

“If you mess around with Haley again it’s entirely on you when she follows you around like the little stalker she is.”

Candi thumped the wooden table under her, once again. I was surprised the thing didn’t crack in half. “I can’t help it! I have needs! And with the stalking she’s always easily accessible.”

“Gods I hate it here, please put me out of my misery. Please, please, please.” The man strapped down started to cry actual tears. I had honestly forgotten all about him.

“As you wish.” I replied, all teeth. 

His head, in fact, did not bounce. 

“How, unsurprisingly, disappointing.”

“Typical man,” Candi shot back.  

“Stew?”

“Stew.”