“Why don’t you start from the beginning.”

“I need you to be more specific.”

Heavy pause. Heavy, awkward pause that I was not going to give in to because I was a stubborn woman and everything could be taken from me, but I wouldn’t give up that.

“How did the day start? Did anything out of the ordinary happen to cause you to become so distressed?”

“What gives you the idea that I was distressed? I was fine before a bunch of dudes busted down my apartment door and dragged me out like I was being convicted of a crime.”

“So you are going with everything being fine?”

Another big ole pause, me staring pointedly with my eyebrows as far to my hairline as possible. 

“The police showed up because your neighbors said you were screaming and yelling for hours. Not a brief one off situation, but hours. They finally got fed up and called in a complaint, assuming you were having an argument with a very quiet boyfriend. To everyone’s surprise, you were the only one in the apartment.”

I look behind her tall shoulder that’s clad in a flowery button up, staring at the ugly paintings on the wall behind her. It looks like something you would get at TJ Maxx, and not the cute stuff. TJ did have good taste, just not all the time. We all have our moments.

“Well?”

I could hear the impatience in her tone and I could empathize with her. She probably worked with a lot of nut jobs today and that’s going to wear a person down at some point. I wonder how long she’s worked here, how much shit she’s seen. She’s got to be at least a little jaded at this point.

“They found you sitting on your bathroom floor digging a knife into your ear.”

My eyes lock onto hers.

“They said you were screaming at them to get out. Were you talking to the police, or to someone else? Was there another person in your apartment at some point in the day that you were fighting with?”

“Something else.”

“Pardon?”

“Not someone, but something.”

A short period later, after she realized I decided to go non verbal for the rest of the conversation, she left the room and I followed behind her. We walked out into a large living room, and I couldn’t help but glance at the mismatched couches, wondering who the fuck was allowed to decorate this place. It felt criminal to have a residential facility looking like a mess when the least they could do was provide a cute place to contemplate the meaning of your life while asking if it was ever going to change from a downward spiral to an uphill spiral. 

“Everyone is on the back patio eating lunch, I’ll introduce you.”

“I’d rather not.”

She turned to face me when she’d realized I’d stopped following her.

“I’ll give you a pass today but there are expectations here. You don’t get to stay here for free, you have to give effort.”

I nodded, doing my best to seem compliant. Unfortunately I’d never been compliant in my life and I don’t think I was going to start anytime soon. 

“Let’s go check out your room, maybe spending the rest of the afternoon with some quiet will help you acclimate. Dinners at 6 so you’ll have some time.”

I trailed behind her as we headed deeper into the house and up a staircase, passing several closed and open doors. The opened doors revealed bedrooms, and I could only assume the same for the closed ones. We walked past at least 6 rooms and I could feel the worry climbing up my throat at the thought of all the people that must also be here, floating around with their fucked up heads. 

“You have your own room but just a warning, we do rounds here and you’ll be checked on every 15 minutes. We offer as much freedom as we can, but that’s non-negotiable.”

“Every 15?”

“Yes. You’re new so it’s every 15. Once you’re more settled we can look into it being every 30 minutes.”

“Awesome.” I shoot her a thumbs up, feeling my bitchiness rising. “I don’t have any clothes, or shower stuff, or deodorant. I really need a shower.”

She points to a dresser against the wall. “Extra clothes in there and I’ll have the person on rounds today bring up toiletries.”

I nod, ready for her to get the fuck away from me so I can have some desperately needed horizontal time. I needed to lay down, stare at the ceiling, and wonder where it all went wrong.

She turns to leave, but pauses in the doorway. “We’ll meet every morning. We’ll talk more one on one then, but I’ll be around. If you need me.”

I don’t bother responding.

I rub my eyes, hard, hoping to shove away some tension. I also let out a low groan, hoping that would help because sometimes groaning like an old man really does wonders. 

I look at the rug laying at the foot of the full sized bed, internally chuckling way deep down, at the color. Or the multiple colors. It was tie dye, because of course it was. 

I crouch down and lay across it, feeling the coldness of the hardwood floors pushing through the atrocious, multicolored, fabric. I feel my spine relax into the hardness, and I stretch my arms high above my head and point my toes in the opposite direction to help lengthen my spine from its crunched position. I relax back into the floor and I close my eyes, grateful for a moment’s peace. 

God, how did I get here?

As I am breathing deep into my belly, working on controlling my breath, the door flings against the wall and a swarming ball of energy enters my personal space, hovering over me. 

I keep my eyes closed. 

“Hey friend! Special delivery!”

I still keep my eyes closed, hands peacefully crossed over my stomach like I’m sleeping. Or lying dead in a casket. 

“Sounds good friend, take all the time you need. I’ll put the bathroom stuff on the dresser. We’ll be down in the living room for this afternoon’s activity and dinner is at 6!”

Why couldn’t I ever just get some space to be alone?

After a while I get to my feet and head out the bedroom door, supplies in hand, hoping I find the bathroom easily. If there is anything I’m hoping will be easy today, it’ll be that.

I come up to the bathroom, which is directly to the left of my room, and close the door behind me, which I’d like to point out doesn’t have a lock on it, and go about my showery business. Thankfully there’s a weird hook for a piece of string that is trying to help keep the door closed so if anyone tries to burst in here it’ll stop the attempt. If they put any effort behind it though then the thing will snap open. Probably to make sure no one does anything nefarious here. 

For the rest of the day I return to my earlier position, except this time on the bed which is slightly more comfortable and definitely less dusty than the floor. Every, what I can only assume is 15 minutes, the same male voice floats through the room to check on me. Each time I close my eyes, or roll onto my side, or put a pillow over my head because I cannot stand the overwhelming presence every time he comes near me. I haven’t even looked at the guy and I know the suffocating optimism would really send me over the edge right now. He’s probably wearing tie dye.

I can hear voices floating up from downstairs and it sounds like a handful of people are sharing the house with me. I hear both male and female voices, music playing, and cabinets opening and closing. At one point I smell something sweet in the air, and I think it might be cookies. God could I use a fucking warm, soft cookie with a glass of milk right now. 

“Chica, it’s time for dinner! Haley made cookies as a welcoming gift for you too.”

I think it’s obvious at this point my eyes are immediately scrunched up as tightly as possible, which sounds bratty but I never claimed I wasn’t one. 

I hear him enter deeper into the room and sit on the mustard loveseat that’s sitting in the corner. 

“So, we are a hands off facility here and I’m not going to physically make you do what I want, but actions do have consequences.”

I can feel my skin tightening across my body like it’s trying its best to self-destruct and help us disappear. My shoulders start to hike up to my ears, my traps tightening around my neck. 

I hear a sigh and assume he’s standing again, based on where his voice is above me. “I don’t want you to get started off on a bad foot with this group. They’re very welcoming, but also very emotionally charged. If they’re offended you will be hearing in great detail how you made them feel. Really great at communication which I love, but for you, I don’t think you will love that as much right now.” 

His footsteps are fading away from me, and I can feel the tension slipping back out of my body. 

“There’s always tomorrow. I’ll be back to peek in on you soon. Shift change is at 10 pm, so someone else will be coming in for night rounds, so don’t be too alarmed by that.”

The door squeaks like it’s being left cracked open instead of wide open this time.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Cora.”