How To Avoid Turning Me Into A Cunt 

Step One- Stop Talking To Me  

If you initiate a conversation, against my will, and wonder why my mood is shit, am I really the problem? Or is your lack of intelligence relating to body language and vocal cues the problem? 

Step Two- Get A Better Personality 

Maybe I would be more inclined to engage in a conversation with some depth if you weren’t stuck in the shallow waters of a subpar personality. Maybe the problem isn’t me, but your lack of interesting things to bring to the table has me uninterested in engaging my time with a poor investment.  

Step Three- Don’t be a cunt 

This may be a shocker- but have you considered that you’re the cunt? Have you considered that I am mirroring your personality and matching the energy you bring to the interaction? Your inclination for being vindictive, coupled with being insecure, is pathetic, and I do have a sense of joy in being the stormy cloud to your bitch parade.  

I placed the instructions on the overbearing door that lead into the throne room, ensuring everyone who entered for tonight’s dinner would have an equal opportunity to not piss me off.  

The bitching and complaining and overall dreadful personality of certain people in the court was really starting to get to me. My advisor, Cherry, tells me it seems like I am most likely the problem. She said I was too hot tempered, too impulsive, too judgmental to which I replied- Fuck off.  

The people I lead were incredibly annoying, most of the time, but I ran a community built on transparency and personal freedom. Fortunately, and unfortunately, that freedom extended to unfiltered self-expression being allowed and an open door policy that kept the thing constantly being utilized.  

“This dress is really pissing me off today,” Cherry complained, trying to readjust the high-necked bodice of the yellow gown. “The thing is trying to suffocate my tits.” 

I glance at her wrestling with the thing before I push through the doors that open to my throne room, preparing for tonight’s festivities. There was nothing special to celebrate, but like almost every other night we bring out the strong wine and Cook pushes out rich pastries that will certainly make me gain 20 pounds with the speed at which I shove them down my throat.  

“Do you think Dean will notice me, finally?” Cherry’s voice fills with a whine that sounds like Jakey’s when his mother won’t let him gorge on sweets. We all draw the line when it comes to kids having full reign of ruling their tiny life’s desires, otherwise everyone in this place would turn into an insatiable pig. We did have some decorum. 

“I think you’re hard to miss Cherry. You’re taller than most women here and your dress looks like a lemon. Last I checked Dean was stupid, not blind.” I could feel the eyes rolling behind me. 

“He literally struggled with unsheathing his sword one freaking time. He didn’t realize his shirt was in the way and it’s not his fault he didn’t have time for a proper warmup to prepare for the situation. He has performance anxiety.” 

I raise my brows. She raises hers. After a pause, she throws her hands in the air and exclaims, “You are so gross!” to which I offer a smirk that might actually reach my eyes this time. 

I rise up the steps at the head of the room and plop down on my overbearing, infamous chair and wait to be served like the lazy ruler I am. The job did have its perks.

The room starts slowly filing with the people of town Payne, bowing or curtsying before taking their seats. Jakey trails in behind his mother, giggling up at me when she offers her social pleasantries, and then wailing when she cuffs him over the head for not showing respect. Heathen. I wave them off unoffended, the little runt always perked me up and I could appreciate his tenacity for self-indulgence. 

I suddenly hear Cherry gasp behind me, acting as if a great shock hit her when it was just stupid ass Dean walking in the room next, filling the space with his awkwardness. Some people just had a vibe about them that screamed everything wasn’t all there.  

“You really need to play harder to get Cherry, make him suffer a little.” 

“We already agreed, he’s stupid not blind.” 

I barked out a laugh while gesturing my servant that hovered on the outskirts forward.  

“Be a peach and send my glass of wine up, would you?” I ask the young girl. She was an excellent help; She rarely spoke and was a very good listener that followed commands quickly. The petite thing spun away, and I would bet she returned in less than a minute from the kitchen that sat in the next room that surely bustled with bodies, trays, and yelling.  

I felt the room go unusually quiet and looked for the reasoning behind it, only to see my least favorite shit head walk through the door. He leisurely headed my way, weaving through the people mingling around the center table, not breaking eye contact with me once. He stopped at the bottom step before me and bowed disgustingly low with a smirk on his face and trouble swirling in his eyes. The rake.  

“My queen, looking as lovely as ever tonight.”  

“Hm, and you’re here why Kasey?” The merchant was a snake if you didn’t cut to the point and he could talk you in time consuming circles all day.  

“I didn’t realize I wasn’t welcome my grace, I came to socialize with the lovely people of Payne for the evening.” 

I weighed my response. “Did you read the instructions I left on the door you just walked through?” 

He bowed low once more before responding with an affirmation. “I will respect your wishes, I am only here to follow your command and offer my services to your people.” 

When he rose to meet my eyes again, I flicked my hand towards the others, indicating I was over the conversation. I hated a kiss ass and he was starting to edge towards breaking rule number one and two.  

I watched as Kasey slithered his way into the crowd, certainly to swindle people out of their money.  

“He fucking sucks.” My advisor shared, and I didn’t have to bother with returning a response, she already knew it.  

The evening continued on in a rather uneventful tone, wine full in my hand, and everyone content with their company. Cherry filled the silence surrounding the throne with her unwavering focus and external dialogue of Deans every move. 

The night was as it always was, until it wasn’t.  

It started with a sharp ringing drop of something hitting the ground that was surely a metal cup of wine, which is certainly an omen for disaster to come. This batch of wine tasted richer with its added ingredient of the summer berries from the best gardens in the surrounding towns that that Brewer could find. She took great pride in the different flavors she could offer and summer brought her new recipes.  

After hearing the cup hit the floor and seeing red liquid flood across it, I heard a sharp slap of skin against skin. While my people and I enjoyed letting lose and could be described as rough around the edges, we took physical violence at dinner very seriously in Payne. Dinner was meant for the people to connect in neutral territory while leaving  the bloodshed to anywhere other than here.  

I stood immediately, searching for the culprit of the offending noise and stepped down the stairs and into the space below. 

I found Kasey with his hand wrapped tightly around my wine girl’s bicep, fingers surely leaving marks based on the veins popping in his hand. I felt my gums tightening in my mouth as I clenched my teeth, anger clouding my judgement before hearing anything from the offender.  

I looked to Trish, my sweet little cup bearer, and noted the blankness in her expression. I looked back to Kasey and noted the fear starting to churn in his.  

“Explain,” I prompted with unwavering tension.  

“Your useless-” I cut him off before he could add anything to the defense.  

“Not you.” I looked to Trish, patience pushing through the haze.  

“The cup of wine slipped your Grace.” 

“And you received a slap for this. Why?” 

“I don’t know your Grace.” 

I pondered the incident for a breath before making up my mind, decision clear for me to see.  

“Very well.” I looked over my shoulder to Cherry to see she had been hovering silently behind me in support.  

“I did warn him.” I offer, and she shook her head, clearly giving up on the situation and not bothering to provide any advice. I don’t know that she could really be called an advisor because I really never listened to it.

“Kasey, you have unfortunately broken all three rules tonight.” 

He sputtered in response before exclaiming,” It wasn’t my fault the bitch dropped the fucking wine!” 

I roll my eyes, sticking my hand out in expectation for my cup bearer back. Once she was released, the three of us stepped away. 

“Jakey dear, I’m in need of your assistance.” I called out into the silent room, looking across the table to his mother, looking for refusal but found none.  

The little runt hopped of his chair and bounded to my side with a sharp grin, his teeth filling every bit of space they could in his toddler mouth.  

“You do in fact get dessert tonight my dear. Enjoy.” 

Everyone turned to focus back on their meals, incident forgotten, and screaming ignored as Jakey tore into Kasey’s buttery soft skin with his tiny mouth.